i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.