my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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