my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
