$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.