$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear