Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.