my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.