I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns