i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.