Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends