I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
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Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.