I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.