I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.