Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him