Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30