You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
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Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka