Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus