today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.