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Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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