You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky