please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you