I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring