Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...