I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?