A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?