She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?