Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (904)

Last Night in Florida (904)

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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(904): I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers. http://tfl.nu/cp6l

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I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(904): I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem... http://tfl.nu/1w4y

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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(904): So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer? http://tfl.nu/mn6g

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it glows. i had to have it.

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(904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq

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I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k

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SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.

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(904): SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER. http://tfl.nu/kfu8

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nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(904): nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle http://tfl.nu/jw9o

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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph

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Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(904): Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care? http://tfl.nu/9o7b

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You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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(904): You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus. http://tfl.nu/zy6a

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I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.

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(904): I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale. http://tfl.nu/rt3p

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i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(904): i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/yyq8

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Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

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wtf?

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It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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(904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum' (1-904): wtf? (904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend' http://tfl.nu/kgyk

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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(904): Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up. http://tfl.nu/49qf

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we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways

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(904): we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways http://tfl.nu/vdwk

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Last Night in Florida (904)

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