i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap