Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.