I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.