He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?