Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked