use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.