I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure