Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins