I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself