you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES