I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dating After Heartbreak
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children