I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in