Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head