He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.