My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night