when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.