Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.