So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
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There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.