I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me