He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The feeling are messing with the penis
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!