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I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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