I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.