dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION