I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.