I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.