sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.