Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
we made out on top of his cat.
I could make wine with my vomit
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just invented taco cereal.