I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?