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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we made out on top of his cat.
I could make wine with my vomit
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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