As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?