Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.