I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."