I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I want to walk on stilts...naked
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.