He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.