The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...