it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.