It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being