I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"