I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!