I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage