Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just threw up on my dentist
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I puked a lego.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just made out with a guy for $7.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.