I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.