I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm at about main and main street
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird