How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap