he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"